


Veth Brenatto's School of Love Poetry

by Somebodys_Hermione



Series: Veth Brenatto as Beau's Personal Antagonist [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Bad Porn Euphemisms, F/F, Pure Unprocessed Comedy, beau is a useless sub but that's only mildly relevant here, implied BDSM, implied d/s dynamics, not smut, once again starring Veth Brenatto as Beaus personal antagonist, post ep 114
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27907279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somebodys_Hermione/pseuds/Somebodys_Hermione
Summary: Veth finds out Beau is trying to return Yasha's love letter and decides to help. Beau will greatly regret letting her do so.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Series: Veth Brenatto as Beau's Personal Antagonist [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2043559
Comments: 4
Kudos: 67





	Veth Brenatto's School of Love Poetry

**Author's Note:**

> This is mentioned in the tags, but this isnt smut. Go elsewhere for your sexy times. However this does contain reference to BDSM power dynamics and badly written porn so please feel free to click away if that's not your jam

If Beau had put the smallest amount of thought into how it would look to an outside observer to be furiously scribbling on a large stack of notepaper completely surrounded by crumpled pieces of paper, she might have rethought making it her strategy for responding to Yasha’s letter. However, Beau was not known for being particularly good at forethought (which was precisely why she was here trying to write something romantic back to Yasha several days after receiving the nicest letter she'd ever had the privilege of reading). But she was definitely thinking of it now, with Veth standing next to her holding one of the discarded drafts in her hands. Beau hadn't even noticed her come in. Fucking rogues. 

"Whatcha  _ doing _ , Beau?" The halfling's voice dripped with fake innocence. It probably wasn't even worth trying to lie at this point, but if there was one thing Beauregard Lionett was good at, it was trying to lie when she really fucking shouldn't.

"Oh, you know...monk business things. Gotta keep the Soul running like a well-ordered machine."

"Really? That's really interesting because this paper just has a bunch of different crossed out adjectives in front of the word 'wings'. Interesting project they've got you working on."

Beau wanted nothing more than to wipe the shit-eating off of Veth's face, but she'd known this woman for long enough that Beau realized she'd be a goner the second Veth walked in the room. She made sure to let out a really obnoxious sigh though to make sure it was clear how annoyed she was. 

" _ Fine-uh _ , if you have to know I'm trying to write Yasha a poem"

"Oh?" Beau felt the kind of ingrained fear response to the glint in Veth's eye that most people felt to knives and spiders. 

"Yeah, but it's not going so great," and Beau gestured at the piles and piles of discarded attempts surrounding her at the desk. 

Veth gave an over exaggerated wink. "Leave it to me."

"No, Veth don't you fucking dare-" but the halfling had disappeared from the room, leaving Beau alone with the consequences of her actions.

"Fu _ ck!"  _ she cursed, at no one in particular.

***

Twenty minutes later, Veth stuck her head through the door. "Sooooooo, I couldn't find Yasha, I think she's out shopping with Fjord."

"Thank the gods," Beau muttered into her desk.

"But! I came up with something even better!" And suddenly Veth was pulling her husband into the room as well. "We're both gonna help you write a great poem!"

Yeza, at the very least, just seemed very confused and quietly whispered to his wife, "Honey...you said we were going to dinner."

"Yeah, yeah, we are, this is just a quick pit stop, promise"

"I really don't think I should be here for this." Yeza had several reasons for feeling this way but the one that was currently at the forefront of his mind was the absolutely brain-melting glare being directed at him by Beau. 

"What, honey, no! You always wrote me the nicest poetry when we were dating. I thought maybe you'd have some tips or something."

Yeza turned to Beau and seemed to be quietly contemplating something (which couldn't have been easy considering the vicious psychic attacks Beau kept trying to aim in his direction), before finally saying, "If you really like a girl, I think it’s important to speak your mind, you know? Just be honest." Then turning back to Veth, he leaned in to kiss his wife on the cheek before saying "I'm going to meet you at the restaurant," and exiting the room as quickly as was physically possible. 

The two women watched him leave and for a brief second Beau hoped that Veth would go with him. 

But then Veth turned back from the door and rubbed her hands together. "Guess it's just you and me. Let's get cracking!"

***

"Have you mentioned you want to fuck her yet?"

Beau turned an interesting color of pink. "Oh ok, we're starting with it right out of the gate, I see."

"I mean that always works in the smut books Caleb reads. I think it might be worth a shot."

"Life isn't a smut book, Veth," but the halfling was ignoring her. 

"I think maybe we start off talking about 'quivering members', how about that?"

"Ok, one, what the fuck. Two, I'm writing this to  _ Yasha _ , remember?"

"Right, right, right, ok give me a sec." Veth appeared to be thinking very hard for several seconds. "So think what you want here then is 'delicate mound' if you're going to write something."

Beau let out a sigh. "Fuck you, Veth."

"No, fuck Yasha, not me. I'm flattered, but I'm a married woman."

It took a lot of effort on Beau's part to keep from screaming.

***

“Oh! Oh I know what you could do! You could say something like ‘I’ll prostrate myself at your feet and bend to your whims’, something really submissive, you know?”

“Veth-” the threat in Beau’s voice was audible, but it didn’t even slow the rate at which the halfling was rambling.

“Not that that’s really my forte, ya know. You could probably ask Yeza though, he might know.”

This caused Beau to pause and physically turn in her chair and stare Veth down. “I literally do not have enough time to unpack that statement, but no. I’m not doing that.”

“Fine,” the other woman huffed. “But just for the record, I think Yasha might be into it. I think it’s fun. You get cool outfits.”

Beau closed her eyes and tried to center herself like they did in the monastery, so her voice was calm and measured when she said, “Veth, how would you feel if I hung you out of the window by your toenails?”

“Kinky.”

Beau lunged for Veth’s knees. 

***

It took longer than Beau probably would have expected for her to completely lose her patience with Veth, but that partially because whenever Veth said something particularly egregious they simply went at it until one of them became injured and then the clock started over again. So it had been about 78 minutes before Veth used the phrase “sin-pillows” and Beau finally broke. 

“No, Veth, just- just stop. Yasha is the sweetest person I have ever met. She 100% doesn’t want and sure as fuck doesn’t deserve a letter full of the most horrendous erotica I’ve ever heard, which is what you keep suggesting.”

“Well, I don’t know what you want from me, Beau! You clearly don’t want to do the obvious thing and just tell her you love her, and now you don’t want to tell her that you want to fuck her, so please tell me, what the  _ hell _ is left, huh?”

“I do want to tell her I love her! I just don’t know how and you know what you’re not doing? You’re not fucking helping!”

Their argument was interrupted by a soft voice coming from the hallway, because of course Beau hadn’t thought to close the door (not that she’d had any warning of what was going to happen after Veth walked in). Standing next to the doorframe was Yasha, who was looking at the two of them and asking, innocently, “What don’t you know how to do, Beau?”

Beau was going to have to die. Yep, that was the only option here. She’d make a sexy-ass ghost and there was absolutely no way she could continue this conversation as a living human who had to breathe, eat, and make eye-contact with her friends for the foreseeable future. However, truly tragically, spontaneously becoming a ghost wasn’t something humans typically have the power to do, so she was instead forced to consider how the hell she was supposed to respond to this. 

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….”

“Oh, I probably shouldn’t have interrupted, sorry,” and Yasha turned to leave.

“Nonononono,” because one of the few things that was able to spur Beau into action was the possibility that she might have offended Yasha. “We were just, I mean, I was just talking to Veth here-” Beau paused to glare at Veth with emphasis, and Veth nodded frantically back (though it was unclear what that actually meant). “- and I was just saying how...I don’t know...What I’m getting….Jester! For, uh, her birthday?”

Smooth. 

Yasha’s features knitted together. “I didn’t realize it was Jester’s birthday.”

And oh boy, Beau might have previously backed herself into a corner, but it was at this exact moment that she took out a shovel and began to dig herself into a hole. “Oh yeah, yeah, Jester’s birthday is...in a couple days, yeah, right, Veth?” Beau quickly swiveled to look at the other woman, who, to her credit was helping dig the hole. 

“Oh yeah, yeah, Beau, I’m sure that Jester mentioned it, didn’t Jester mention it, Beau?”

Beau nodded along furiously. 

Yasha thankfully seemed to just be mildly confused, despite Beau having turned a brilliant color of red and Veth being a terrible liar. “I didn’t know that, thank you for telling me. I’ll also try to get Jester something.” Yasha turned to leave, and just as Beau was about to breathe a sigh of relief, she stopped. “If you also want to talk to me about it, or, uh, anything else you want to decide how to do, I’m always here,” and then suddenly Yasha had disappeared down the hall. 

The full implications of that statement didn’t hit Beau until Veth literally hit her on the head for being an oblivious dumbass. 

***

_ 2 days later… _

Beau could hear threads of conversation trickling in from the common room as she read through her notes, having given up on her poetry skills. 

Jester’s voice floated up saying, “Oh that’s so sweet Yasha! But my birthday’s not for 4 months?” and that was Beau’s cue to make herself scarce for the next 6-10 hours. 

**Author's Note:**

> Caleb finds the "prostrate at your feet" poem draft in one of Beau's books and they both decide to never bring it up Ever Again.
> 
> Blame TheWisdomQueen


End file.
